It's in your head, it's in your hea-aa-eaaa-ead.

In a lot of ways, I'm kind of a loner. I quite enjoy a solitary mountain bike ride up the canyon, for example. As some kind of combination of guilt and self-sufficient delusions, I don't like depending on others; I hate putting other people out. There is one time, though, when I know I'll need some compatriots. When going it alone is just simply foolhardy.

You guessed it. Zombie invasion.

I've had zombies on the mind lately, as have many of those who have surrounded me. I've finished World War Z - the post-apocalyptic tales of the Zombie Wars - and the Zombie Survival Guide, and I'm doing my best to get ready for the possible invasion. This includes practical things like stocking up on basic supplies (canned food, a backpacking stove, water filter, assault rifle), picking out the place where you might end up restarting the human race in safety, and learning some basic farming techniques.

The number one task, though, the one thing you can't do wrong, is the selection of your zombie fighting team. The team should consist of 4-8 folks you can trust (add two or three alternates in case members of your initial team get munched on the way to the rendezvous point) who will make up the survival squad.

I've thought about including real people who I know personally, but I'm afraid of alienating any of them. Plus, who's to say they want me on the team, you know? I'm working on my gun accuracy, and hope to have a plan in place with all of the contingencies worked out, but I'm not at tip-top zombie slaughter conditions yet.

Anyway, without further ado: my zombie survival team.

First of all, I want an old hand to the destruction of the undead. Someone who knows his way around a variety of weapons, someone who's been there, someone with a chainsaw for a hand.



Ash's prowess at beheading, shooting, and chopping up the undead with his car will prove to be absolutely crucial to the team. Nobody can get that many blasts out of a shotgun without reloading. That alone puts him at the top of my list.

Next, we'll need someone resourceful. Someone who can make something out of almost nothing. We'll need to know our way around motor vehicles, explosives, chemistry, defense, and more. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that sissy MacGuyver. Man, that dude never killed anyone. Never shot a gun. Forget MacGuyver.

I'm talking about these guys:



The Mythbusters. I saw an episode where they rigged a cop car to be run with a remote control. How could that not be useful in a zombie war? Rig that thing with some explosives and you've got a way to lure them away from your camp and blow them to pieces. Mythbusters, I choose you.

Three: Mace Windu

Check it.



Surviving the zombie war isn't all about the fight. If it gets bad enough (and when planning for scenarios like this, you expect the worst) we'll be away from society for a long, long time. It's possible we'll be the last bastion of hope for a burgeoning new human civilization. For the kind of long-term planning, we need a lady's touch (and, let's face it, some wombs.)

For straight up know-how, including some handy healing, defense, and just time-saving help around the start-up community, you could do much worse than Hermione Granger. Who needs a doctor on hand when she can throw together some quick bone-mending charms? Sure, Harry gets all the press, but in the end, it's Granger who knows the spells and the knowledge to back them up. She knows some stuff about just about everything. When it comes to a wizarding representative (and hottie), she's my choice.



Oh yeah, we'll need them too:


Because, you know, they play field hockey. They can smash zombie noggins with those sticks. That's why. Why the Argentinians? It was the first team to come up when I googled "Field Hockey," that's why.

Really, and women's field hockey team will do (I'm leaning towards the Swedes, personally.)

Finally, since I'm tired and it's bedtime, here's my final choice. I think this'll pretty much seal the deal. We need crops, he's our man.